So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
