If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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