is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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