awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
