And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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