my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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