I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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