I was born with a shot glass in my hand
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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