Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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