i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
