I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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