Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
