I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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