This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
