Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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