So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
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