You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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