His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
