that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
