Don't make out with my wife yet
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
