totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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