is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
