Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
