Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
