I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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