so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
