Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
