Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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