is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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