i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Randomize
