so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
