Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
