I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
