K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
