Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
