so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
