She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
