I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
