First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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