I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
