I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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