I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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