You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
