dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
