Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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