That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
