I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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