Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
