I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
