She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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